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过渡词很丰富，衔接词同时使用的恰到好处；作者句法基本功不错，可适当增加从句的使用；作者用词灵活多样，但学术词汇的积累还有很大的空间，同时请检查文章的单词拼写。
Nowadays,people of my age have been struggling for college admissions,uunilaterally regarding parchments to be occupational or even lifelong scurity;however,the university,personally,not necessarily plays an essential role in triumph. As a strong evidence of my perspect,Bill Gates,the Microsoft supremo knowned as The World's Richest Man,dropped out of Harvard in his junior year,strikling proving that it is great talent,rather than a piece of college diploma that is one of determining factors as well as perseverance,will power,leadership,opportunity and so on.In other words,only with these internal and external conditions,can people succeed whether or not you have been studied in a university.Meanwhile,the relavance between colleges and success should not be discounted too,especially given the fact that high-educated people actually gain much higher income than those without academic qualifications. In the whole,I am deeply convinced that college is to triumph what medicine is to health,which may have great effect but cannot assure you of a brighter future.
