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文中衔接词和过渡词使用的很棒；作者句法基本功不错，可适当增加从句的使用；文章词汇表达多样请继续保持，也能较准确地使用学术词汇，。
Nowadays,there is an increasing tendency that people of my age have been struggling for college admissions,with parchments unilaterally regarded to be occupational or even lifelong security;however,the university,personally,not necessarily plays an essential role in triumph. As a strong evidence of my prospect,the first-rate Microsoft supremo,Bill Gates, known as The World's Richest Man,dropped out of Harvard in his junior year,convincing proving that it is great talent,rather than a piece of college diploma that is one of determining factors as well as perseverance,will power,leadership,opportunity and so on.In other words,only with these internal and external conditions,can people succeed whether or not they have studied in a university. Meanwhile,the relevance between colleges and success should not be discounted too,especially given the fact that highly-educated people actually gain much higher income than those without academic qualifications. On the whole,I am deeply convinced that college is to triumph what medicine is to health,which may have great effect but cannot assure you of a brighter future.
