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过渡词很丰富，衔接词同时使用的恰到好处；文中词汇使用较丰富恰当，但高级词汇表达还需要很大提升；可适当增加从句的使用。
With the development of economic, millions of people pay more attention to their children's education, which makes a lot of children be busy with their study so that they have no time to take part in extracurricular activities and undergo great pressure. In terms of me, I think that extracurricular activities are important and necessary for children. We know if people do something for a long period, then they will feel tired, bored and negative. So studying some time, children should have a rest.They can join in some activities, such as traveling, watching TV, listening music and so on, which not only releases their stress but also makes them keep in a good shape. What's more, through parties, social activities and community work, children gradually get closed with society and broaden their horizons. On the other hand, they can learn more and recognize more new friends. To sum up, extracurricular activities are essential in that it is beneficial and favorable for children, therefore, children should balance their study and amusement.
