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可适当增加高级词汇的使用量；行文较为流畅，作者文中过渡词使用的不错；文中从句数量过少。
I was born in Xianyang Shanxi province. Refer to our Xianyang, it is a long and famous history of an old city. Xianyang is a capital in Qin dynasty. There exit many relics, such as, Bingmayong, qinghuachi, famous tombs for kings. Bingmayong is one of the astonishing relics around the world. It attracts hundreds and thousands of people to here including different countries and areas. And, Visitors take many photos to share with their family and relatives with happiness. In addition, snacks is very delicious and have all kinds of items, especially for Yangroupaomo and Lazhiroujiamo which are made from wheat and meet. last but not least, culture is very vital for native. Qin Qiang is unique and happy culture. For my gradpa general, they always sing songs when they have a break. welcome to my city. it is valuable for you to visit. Further, it can broad your horizon and expand and rich your life.
