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过渡词很丰富，衔接词同时使用的恰到好处；句式灵活多变，再加强从句的使用会更棒；词汇表达灵活多样请继续保持，不过学术词汇的积累还有很大的空间；请注意分段。
A news reported that several college students hired a cleaner to clear their messroom the event has prompted many heated discussions among the public.In my opinion,students shouldn't do such those things Firstly,most of students have no source of income,they actually spend their parents money to hire others.It might give them wrong personal value about wealth,in the mean time, students are obligation to clean their rooms on their own.students can also gain a good habit for their future life.on the other side cleaning room can keep a man away from lazy.especially new generation who is in the age of new media,smart phone and video game has indeed simplified human's normal life and work,however its also made people became lazy,so youth need keep doing practise or other household things to stay energetic At last,teachers should teach their students to have a correct outlook because most of students will not do the same thing if they have correct outlook.It is not lata for us to take action to help our next generation
