作者词汇表达丰富度要继续提升,学术词汇使用过少;可适当增加长句和复杂句的使用;文章结构不够严谨,应增加过程性词汇的使用。
When I grow up,I want to be who I want to be.I want to be a game programmer because it’s really interesting and I like playing computer games.To be a game programmer,I can make a lot of games what I want to make. After the job,I want to talk to my family.I want to have a wife who can care about families and give me lots of love.Then I want to have two children,which one is a son the other is a daughter.This is my beautiful family. In twenty years,I'll live in where a place can make me joyful.I like Japan remarkably much because I think Japan is a country which has extremely colorful history.So in twenty years,I'll live in Tokyo or Osaka in Japan with my families. This is nice dream!